Pursuit of Happiness

April 11th, 2007

Living alone sucks. There is something intrinsically unsatisfying about being by myself that just grates on my being every day. I eat alone, watch tv alone, play games alone, sleep alone and live alone. There are times in which I can be at work around people all day long and come home feeling like I never saw a person. A while ago I thought that a pet would help, and I don’t really think it would. Ugh.

Hopefully within the next month when my lease runs out and I move, I can get a place with Shelby and at least have someone to talk to. It won’t solve all my problems, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. The pursuit of happiness is a craggy path in the woods. You can walk it alone, and it’s nice to find out that you’re capable of that, but after a while you want someone to walk with you. I walk through life looking at all the great things and when I turn to tell someone about it, it’s just me. Walking down this path by myself and I realize that I’m just talking to the wind.

I’ve lived alone and away for a year and realize that 12 hours by car is too far. 12 hours is forever away. I can’t see myself moving back to Indiana in the forseeable future, but when I’m by myself, it doesn’t seem so bad. Then I realize that I love where I’m at, but not the companionship (or more accurately, it’s absense). Even talking to people online is nice but not the same. There is something that seems so decadent about having someone I could watch a movie with who would lean against me and eat my popcorn and laugh when I got flustered that the kernels had all disappeared.

I miss the familiarity of a girlfriend. The wall to lean against that gives support. The wall that sometimes needs to be supported itself. There is something very satisfying about being needed by someone else that casual friendships cannot provide. I think that everyone wants to feel needed to bring some purpose to their actions and value to their life. Being alone steals that away. It cheapens existence and leaves a person searching for a void. I don’t feel empty and need something to fill a place in my life, I feel too full with nowhere to go. It’s like being an extra puzzle piece on a table with a complete puzzle. I’m not looking at how to move to fit, I’m looking for a different puzzle.

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